If you and your partner are struggling with no progress being made on your own, seeing a couples therapist is a great way to get back on track. It can be hard to see through your own forest. If you’re in contemplation of diving in, here are some important considerations to ponder to have the best chance of making couples therapy work for you.
- Clarify your hopes. I will ask in the beginning what you hope to get from the therapy process. Couples can have entirely different agendas and a good starting point is at the very least be clear on what you each hope to gain from the experience. If you don’t know, that’s ok too.
- Be clear on the role of the therapist. It’s not uncommon for people to assume (or hope) that I will “fix” the situation. I see my role role as a guide, to help you both identify feelings and needs, to find ways to alleviate distress, to help create a more secure bond (if resolution is desired) and encourage work outside of the sessions.
- Get ready to look in the mirror. How are you both contributing to the dynamic of the relationship? What are you doing that might be creating insecurity rather than stability? The first step is ownership but willingness to do things differently is equally important.
- Be clear of your job in therapy. If it’s reconciliation and relationship strengthening you seek, effort is required at home to apply the tools learned in session. It’s important to prioritize the relationship by making the time to do so. This can be really challenging with busy lives but even a few minutes spent on attempting to connect and healing can begin to shift the dynamic between you.
- Have a shovel standing by. You might need to do some digging into your past. When people struggle in their intimate relationships, there are usually significant clues in your family of origin experiences with parents or primary caregivers in what messages you received about how to “be” in relationship. The past can’t be changed but it’s important to identify any unhelpful belief systems about self and others that might have been learned in your family of origin.
- Be open to possibility of the need for individual growth. If you or your partner are unhappy or have other issues not related to the relationship (depression, anxiety, poor self-esteem or other emotional health concerns), these issues are not the individual’s alone. Your relationship will bear the brunt of the personal distress in some way. Consider additional support.
- Plan to keep working on it. If you’ve finished up your therapy work with a positive outcome, don’t let the lessons, new habits and improved connection slip away. Healthy relationships require care and attention. Continue to find ways to prioritize your relationship.
Couples therapy can be many things; healing, connecting and relieving. It can also be frustrating, painful and tense. And yes, sometimes it’s not enough to save a marriage or relationship in a high level of distress. If you are looking for support for your relationship locally in Marin or anywhere in California, I’m happy to hear more about your needs and consider whether we’d be a fit.
Outside of Marin but in California? Check out my California Online Therapy services.
Not quite ready for therapy but would like feedback and guidance by me? See my online chat Ask Lisa Consultation service on LoveAndLifeToolbox.com.
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Contact Lisa to ask about scheduling an appointment.
